Wands aplenty
by Sammael Silverpen
Summary: A collection of humourous short stories all of which involve the wands of famous wizards. Also includes a snake and several ambiguous aged wizards. Former penname - Lord Sam
1. THE NEW WAND!

You will no doubt recall the wonderfulness that was J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter". This story is no doubt very similar to hers with some brief alterations, which I feel is for the better. Please note that this probably isn't very accurate, nor do any of the characters: it all belongs to Rowling.

Also please Read and Review!

It begins in 1945, for those of you who are fangirls/boys you will know that this is year that two great wizards fought. Now on with the tale...

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In 1945 a wizard with a rather ambiguous age named Dunderbore met with an old friend (whose age was also rather ambiguous) named Grandywand. Now Grandywand and Dunderbore were not very intelligent as neither of them had finished their education, but they regarded each other as very intelligent anyway.

This was the first time the two had met after a very long time and Grandywand was showing off about his new wand which was supposedly the "Elder Wand". He danced around Dunderbore waving his wand (which was a rather impressive display) but then he accidently poked Dunderbore in the eye.

Dunderbore, who became rather upset, drew his own wand, which was perfectly ordinary compared to the Elder Wand. The two wizards fought furiously, their wands clashing with dull thuds (as neither was intelligent enough to use magic they simply treated their wands as swords). Then with a ferocious crack the wands snapped.

Dunderbore and Grandywand put aside their differences for the moment and super-glued the wands back together. The end result was a misshapen gluey wand that only one person could use and they christened it:

**THE NEW WAND!**

Then they fought over who was the rightful owner of

**THE NEW WAND**

but since they could not decide peacefully, Dunderbore shoved Grandywand in a muddy hole and claimed the wand as his own. Grandywand was never seen again.

**

Many, many ambiguous years later Dunderbore set a boy named Ari Potty on a quest to defeat the supremely evil wizard Lord Baldyhead. After years of needless angst, death, girls and duels, Ari discovered that Dunderbore had lied about many things. Angry he tried to yell at Dunderbore who consequently died of a heart attack.

Then Lord Baldyhead attacked Ari using

**THE NEW WAND**

which he had stolen from Dunderbore's corpse. Ari gave Lord Baldyhead a hug and proclaimed "I LOVE YOU!" and Lord Baldyhead was defeated.

Ari picked up

**THE NEW WAND**

and tried to decide what to do with this all-powerful wand. A few hours later he had conquered the world, forced Pinny Westly into marrying him and had resurrected all his lost loved ones using a pebble.

And he was proclaimed to be "The New Most Evil Wizard in the World" and he put it all down to

**THE NEW WAND.**

And that is the end of the tale of

**THE NEW WAND.**


	2. Voldemort's wand

Please see Chapter 1 for disclaimer.

Also this chapter is set in a different universe more akin to that of J.K.'s rather than the first chapter.

Always remember to Read and Review!

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Voldemort sat in complete silence in his study, stroking his snake Nagini and plotting the best way to kill "the boy". And that was when the Death Eater, Wipple, ran in. Voldemort looked up at him annoyed.

"Sir! Sir!" cried Wipple, bowing hurriedly, "We lost your wand sir!" he sounded rather pleased with himself. Voldemort on the other hand was furious. He rose from his chair.

"You what?" asked Voldemort in a deadly voice.

"We lost your wand, sir!" Wipple repeated excitedly, "We was fighting the Order of the Phoenix, sir, and they stole it!" Wipple felt rather strange. "Sir," he asked confused, "Why is your snake eating me?"

"Because you are incompetent," said Voldemort with a shrug.

"Oh alright then," Wipple said with a frown. "But sir, if I'm to be eaten then who's on watch tonight?" Voldemort ignored the Death Eater and Wipple tried to ignore Nagini. However it is very hard to ignore the snake that is eating you but Wipple did his best.

A second Death Eater burst into the room. Voldemort wished he could kill this one too but Nagini was still eating Wipple. And it would appear that his wand was indeed missing.

"Hello Flob!" cried Wipple rather cheerfully from the floor.

"Hello Wipple. I'm sorry, but are you being _eaten_?" said Flob staring down at his colleague.

"Yup," replied Wipple, shrugging. "But I'm sure I'll be as right as rain by tomorrow."

"Excuse me," interrupted Voldemort, his voice dangerously soft, his eyes reflecting the firelight in a way that suggested he wasn't happy at being ignored. "Do you have something to say Flob?"

"Sir! Sir!" cried Flob, noticing his Master for the first time. "We found your wand sir!" he exclaimed excitedly, brandishing it. The wand let out a few half-hearted sparks.

Voldemort stared at him. The wand was dripping. "Where did you find it, and tell me who stole it," he demanded.

"In the toilet, sir!" Flob cried excitedly. "But I don't know who put it there."

"In the where?" asked Voldemort in a deadly voice, wondering if he had perhaps misheard the man.

"In the toi—Sir, I don't want to be rude but isn't that _your_ snake eating Wipple?"

"Never mind that fool. Where was my wand?"

"In the toi--" Flob suddenly realised what he was saying, "In the...cupboard sir. Covered in... frogspawn... and...Ummm...octopus tentacles. Yeah that's right."

"Give it to me," said Voldemort still using his deadly voice.

"Are you sure sir?" asked Flob, dubiously. "It is rather...wet."

"Give it back now," said Voldemort in a voice that brooked no argument.

Flob gave it to him and backed away to the door. Just as he was about to leave, Voldemort spoke again.

"Since Wipple here is indisposed, and since you have lied to me, you will take his place on watch duty."

"But sir!" exclaimed Flob. "I'm supposed be on duty elsewhere tonight!"

"**YOU WILL DO AS I SAY**!" roared Voldemort. Flob shrieked and ran from the room, screaming "Yes sir! Right away sir!" at the top of his lungs.


End file.
